about time
______________

The boy I once loved has turned into a corpse, you can see his ribs beneath his shirt, his hips jutting out beneath his belt. This is all he is now… A lion fighting for his pride. Skin shifting over bone and muscle ever since his body learned all it’s getting from now on is nicotine and alcohol.

He told me I was an open window in February. That if I was a drink I would be Indie on the rocks with a splash of emo.

If I was an X-Man I would be Rogue.

it’s got me throwing my hands up in the air. i dont know any better but id rather have someone that does not leave me feeling like that.

I was told that I am turning into an inconsiderate trendy fuck!

while looking for the remote::
come in here and help me find the laser beam! im in here on my hands and knees and youre better at this than me.

im jealous of your:::

-eyes:the way you see everything
][hands][hips][shoulderblades][lungs][tongue][
-words:the way you speak-how you can always find the flawless
][lyrics][manifestos][expressions][mannerisms][vocabulary][

but i know tonight i wont remember to brood over any of it.

Don’t you love it when someone takes what you say and twists it all around? Lately I’m purposing that when this happens… it’s what they really want you to say… that’s what they hear… so fine… go ahead and fuck around with everything I say… this is why I hardly ever talk. My tongue fumbles like you wouldn’t believe and you’de think I have been living in a cave for all my life. One day I will loose it… again. and of course in the mix we have been using people. Which I don’t understand… people never seem to notice me until they feel fucked over. Secret Agent Man believes I am just in lust with him. That One Guy just knows I’m on some collision course with myself. I kiss concrete, he doesn’t understand my new destruction but as long as he’s getting off he doesn’t ask questions and that’s all I really need at the time being: Plastic love and no questions. So what would make me do such a thing? It’s not that I hate myself… I just want to be something else for awhile. I don’t know who exactly I am being, but that is besides the point.

he was built for it, but one day its either going to take off or come crashing down and i wonder if im strong enough for either. theres so much more than that floating around in my head but thoughts are linked by snapses that fire too rapidly. im trying to ignore it.

i bore him and all the computer chair positions in the world cant fix it.

i found a dead butterfly to give to him. he just stared at me and ended up throwing it out the car window.

i have been promised shampoo mohawks and laying in the grass.

its not what i want its not how i feel its not what i know its now what i see its just sometimes i loose myself on wrong side of you.

do you remember when we used to flip through tarot cards? yours: always blank.hollow.&.dark.yet untouched. mine: unguarded & weighed too heavy on my collar bone. but thats how it went- who am i to question fate? for the longest time i thought i would never get over that birthday. how much it hurt/crushed/embarrased. after i had searched for/obsessed over the perfect gift. ][mintgreen][waterfalls][lotus blossoms][ on every card. i had been so proud of myself only to find out that they were satanic.

i had another bad dream. he and i were outside, he walked off and i heard a gunshot, ran inside and hid, there were knocks but i knew it wasnt him so i just hid harder, and then i noticed there was a big window in my room and he was standing outside with a gun and shot me thru the glass and told me he got the best of me. im sure id still feel like hell but i cant take the dreams anymore.

the main fact is a ninja in my chest who is karate chopping my ribs, lungs, clavicle, and heart. and has some kind of crazy hold on my tummy thats not letting me eat.

we spent the rest of our time laying on the asphalt trying to make out the planets and stars.

he saved me last night by letting me crash over there, but i kept acting like a little kid at a slumber party and about never got to sleep. finally when i did i spent most of the night waking up from peculiar dreams that seem to hold meaning but i cant decipher anything.

got in the car ‘in the house of flies’ was on. mind shift to ‘knife party,’ the only deftones song he likes. there’s a bug on my arm. mind shift i had told him i wished there was a small version of him as tiny as a bug that i could keep in my pocket, on my desk at work, on my pillow just to have around when he wasnt there. at the end of the driveway there are these hibiscus looking plants mindshift the hawaiian shirts he used to live in. mind shift way back when we first met he threw a dead fish in my direction… and it just made me love him more. and this is how its supposed to go huh? where every song i hear? close to everything i see? is all going to make my heart and mind shift to one person.

numbluck

“So… now that i’ve relaxed some, listened to some hip hop. Brother ali, picket fence is the perfect background music for writing. Or reading i suppose. But I realized that, life doesnt suck. i’m free. I’ve realized that even the most beautiful soul can be horribly materialistic. Forever the last words I’ll remember is “Someone who can buy me things, and pick me up.” It really proves that even if your a fallen angel, your still fallen. And I understand that now. I’m stronger for this, because Im no longer bound by love. Im simply building up. And one day, I swear I’ll make a noise so loud you’ll hear it no matter where you are. It will find you. You know who you are and one day you will regret all of this. But that day is far off, and until then I’m going to stay peaceful. I will not become another market number, like you. It wont happen to me. I will be love, i will be smart, i will be free. Even if god tests me every day, he could have only tested you once. I know I will pass. I no longer need/want love. I am complacent. I am here, I am now, I am life. You don’t want me. I dont need you.”