i sit here just watching the screen. the refresh rate of the monitor is a little wonky, so it kinda flickers, but not really. maybe it’s a glow.

my heart feels like a lead weight in my chest, it seems lately there is static building in me.

if it was a sticky summer night – i’d wager there was a storm coming… or, rather it feels like being eternally caught in the eye of one. all tension and confusion, no release.

in a steady and constant introspective state, there seems to be no resolution to any of the cruxes in my life. imagined/real, shared/secreted. my own weakness hobbles me. fortifies my flacid inablility to be more then i am.

i keep thinking back to a picture of asia argento where she’s looking much how she always looks, fingers splayed, with a cigarette knotched between two lower knuckles. written across them “die old”.

there was a moment at work where i thought it was strange that i got “employee of the month”. all the night before, not able to sleep, i kept thinking: how far i’ve drifted from anything that resembles me.

thank you dear cosmos for taking a small moment to blink.

looking down now, i see the faded words on my hand. “die now.” there’s a punchline there, i fucking promise you. one day, i’ll jerk the wheel to the left sharply just to prove to the world that there is more then the honey dripped milksopping words spill from me in an endless repetative cycle.

i go to sleep holding my own hand sometimes still. absently hoping the machine comes back.

…tell me i’m beautiful.