my contempt for life is becoming nearly unmanageable.

normally i can hide it in my voice, even if i am unable to hide it in my face.

part of me thinks back to the time the wolves came – i wonder about brain damage; what the internal scars might look like… can the naked eye find them or are they more of the introspective kind?

in the shower i pretend that my stomach is sick from the night before – it actually is – but for different reasons. that it isn’t because i ate myself stupid but because i may have used too many sleep aides. it was the food though.

the conversations around me anymore make me tired and i can’t find a reason to interact with anyone willingly. all i can think about is layering order of the blankets in my bed. the blue prison style blanket is completely important in the grand scheme of things, it holds in the body heat that upper blanket helps generate.

i’m transforming. did i tell you that? im getting heavy again. i guess that is a lie… i am reverting. i feel bad about it like i failed a mission but i feel more like me. i’ve also become so reclusive that i no longer register to the world. when i do show up on the radar, who pays attention to the frumpy balding chubby nerd wandering walmart or giant eagle? no one.

people ask me what i’m doing for new years eve. i keep replaying the last handful of new years’ in head. the plan so far is to be asleep by 11. ignoring the tabula rasa that lay in sharp bits on the bathroom floor. willing me to recreate that scene in pi.