there is a church burning in the center of my chest. the ashes choke my lungs, there is nothing romantic about this, it feels like a panic attack… or a stroke that will take 20 more years to complete itself.

i’ve taken recently to pretending everything is just clicking along at the perfect speed and that it will all be okay. we take cash bets only here.

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i really really wish.

thats it.

i just wish.

on anything for anything.

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my new years eve was spent at home. we watched a cartoon at midnight and drank some wine. later on the kids below were still up with their small party and we went down.

i talked music and life and bitched comically at the way we’re all dying.

i saw the way everyone was and the way things were. bitterly i felt part of me slip away just a little further. to celebrate i mixed my drinks and bummed cigarettes.

it is funny how far i’ve come to get nowhere.

i try to not watch the kids as they all converse, talking music, i’ve either missed the boat or they have. since i’m out numbered i’ll venture it is me.

her and her exclude me. i wish i had different parts.

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the evening closes on confessions. mine being mine i’ll tell the world there are three sides to my coin and one will never be shown. we knew it was all a lie anyways and that was how it was – we did this all to feel normal and hope that time would mend it.

i think of so many different ways this should be playing out if there was any substance to my character.