right now i am sitting in the spiders nest many miles from where i thought i would be.

it feels like i’ve been stuck to some velcro and i am being pulled off one tand at a time. part of me isn’t sure how to feel. there is a part of me that feels like i used to. sitting alone in a room staring at the glow of the screen, playing videogames, reading books. hiding. in the old way. not the way i would normally do that. doesn’t feel like escapism – feels like enjoying a hobby.

recently i decided there were so many things i felt were important that weren’t and i’m making changes to get back to when, even when i was a mess, back to when i atleast had a sense of self.

being strict on food intake and smoking more then i should i’ll get back down to a size where i’m not rocking fat pants. the scale knows what’s happening and that’s confirmation enough that someday; maybe winter, i’ll be back to where i want to be.

so now i am holding my breath, i put my two weeks notice in at the office and i don’t have any options lined up. that’s okay. from the bottom there isn’t anywhere else to fall. you know? when you’re losing everying you might as well cash in your chips. restart the level. who knew that there was as much weight on my back as there was… i knew there was a lot. atlas knows what i’m talking about.

the breath holding isn’t about the job. that is just a job.

the breath being held in is just me trying to wait out other things. hoping for the best. i am doing my best to put recent events behind me… even if now… it simmers behind my chest like a scared bird. confused. hitting against the window, isn’t that the sky? i’m waiting for the hands that don’t belong to me to come and set it free. after so much personal introspection and thought it’s hard to see straight anymore.

buying groceries in the ghost town i thought i had escaped last night, i realized that i had never needed to escape. even if i had never left, i was never apart of whatever it is there was to be apart of. right now, bullets can’t touch me, if the world wants me to love, the world will need to make amends and know that if we play according to the rules, i didn’t come through unscathed. patients and understanding are going to need to be applied liberally. i just hope that something happens before i scab over – morgan has been working overtime to rebuild walls for machine. thankfully i am more forgiving and don’t quite work they way they do. i guess the main difference between them and me is if your playing with all your cards, playing honest, playing true… i can stick it out a few more hands.

like it was said before, from the bottom, everything looks up.

half the battle is just getting out of bed and remembering you’re not the sum of other peoples perceptions and actions.