every moment. every moment just seems to stretch forever.

there has been little or not contact with the outside lives of other people. i’ve considered it. i’ve also considered the fact that i would be an enormous wet blanket.

the routine has become: wake up and go to work. come home and wait to get tired.

this is intentional on my part. besides flipping my cell phone open every 2 seconds to see what messages i haven’t got, there isn’t much ambition to coexist.

the relief of leaving my current job has made things easier even as the fear of the future is settling in. it does concern me as to what i will do with my time between finding a new job. it has become a life raft of time consumption. my choice still stands. there will be no take backs.

we all joke at work and tell stories when the calls are not too heavy. i will miss these guys. they all want to stay in touch. sure we will. forever and ever. here you can imagine us all smiling in a polaroid – drinks in hand and out stretched in a toast. forever and ever, never growing old, fading fast.

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right now there is music on loop. my headphones are keeping the noise down and the internal trauma at bay. for the time being. reading lyrics of the songs. looking for an answer. willing the world to stop… or speed up.

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i guess i’ll just leave you with some lyrics that sum up nothing and everything.

Standing at the punch table swallowing punch
can’t pay attention to the sound of anyone
a little more stupid, a little more scared
every minute more unprepared

I made a mistake in my life today
everything I love gets lost in drawers
I want to start over, I want to be winning
way out of sync from the beginning

I wanna hurry home to you
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god I’m very, very frightening
I’ll overdo it

- slow show, the national