so far it’s all bullshit. i’ve said a lot of brave things. i am not as brave as i was pretending to be – nor as defiant or strong.

feeling lost and adrift and alone is something that should be familiar. if that was a true statement then why does it feel so similar to over dosing, minus the wolves.

there is a phone call i want to make. saying something like: “don’t you realize that anything can be overcome? it doesn’t have to be this way. it doesn’t have to be done alone. proving what you’re trying to prove is important, is the method you’re using really justify the means or the ends?”

how long could i keep my voice steady before everything breaks down to a whisper?

“hell or high water, we’re in this together – while you’re paddling for shore i’m slipping away.”

metaphores fail me. sliding off the raft silently with glazed eyes. maybe it’s better to have it happen that way, it appears i was more of a shackle then something to hold on to. it won’t stop me from holding my hand out pathetically.

————————————

the past two days i’ve stayed at a close friend house watching cartoons and doing my best to laugh.

sunday morning standing outside, speaking quietly into my cell phone and breathing smoke into the already humid day. trying to imagine a new apartment, new job, new life… mentally not being able to imagine anything that would remotely resemble something that would make things alright.

slowly, back inside, sitting down on the couch and being quiet. my friend ask me what was wrong. words unable to come forth, i just slumped back and asked if we could watch more cartoons, there was nothing to say. we all watched in silence… doing my best to pretend my friend wasn’t sitting there with tears welling up.

all they knew was something was wrong but didn’t know what.

———————-

every coin has two sides. this is just my (mis)interpretation. which changes constantly. paranoid spirals for the worse.