There are about five options right now. Three are variants of more less the same theme. What I need to be is responsible and purchase food that extends further then peanut butter and jelly. What will happen is something else.

There are about five options with how I choose to spend tonight. Saturday is decided. Which will be a good time. Right at this moment I am deciding on doing some driving and errand running. Followed up with some video games or a DVD I’ve already seen a million times.

Why is it what I want to do or say or act just seems so difficult and out of character – even when it’s not in any way. Have I changed so much that the reflex kick of my personality is having phantom pains as I struggle to get back to who I used to be. Something like that maybe.

I no longer have a cell phone. It has completely died. I’ll get a new one, someday; in a way it’s part of the great disappearing act. Plus with the phone, there are a few things I’m in denial of that I would be forced to take care of.

I don’t want to think anymore.

Ever.

I just want to be a cartoon and spend way too much time with my head down in a lap as the world drifts by.

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My actions are not my own, they are, but, they are not the actions I mean to happen. The strings are pulled and I move. Feeling more like a passenger on a train. I’m waiting for a hand to reach out and stop everything.

For a moment.

Everything plays off like a joke, like it should, like it will. It’s just how things happen, it is so amazingly easy to back slide. Things will happen through inaction and inability.

You won’t have a clue about the things I’ve almost said or done. The first thing out of my mouth wasn’t supposed to be about how much worse the roads are getting, it should have been how your hair looked nice and I was happy to see you. Instead of nearly getting us killed in the snow – my intentions were to grab your hand and not let go.

Like I said, this train is taking on water and no matter what I’d like to do or say, I’m too concerned with fucking up and bailing out the water. Easier said then done, you can go down with this ship too, find more courage then I have and hop on board.

Internally I’ve been heaping coal to the furnace.

Things are going to get worse before they get worse.

I’m struggling to reach out but my arms are pinned to my sides.

I’m struggling to reach out with pinned up insides.

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There isn’t a vice I have right now that I am not ashamed of.

“You’ve met me at a very strange time in my life.”